I have been suffering from depression for years, most of which untreated, and two days in without my meds I am already experiencing a new episode.
Whenever my brain starts rambling on, I start delving into self-disruptive thoughts which more often than not lead to sad, upset and depressive moods. They are tiring, exhausting, unsettling and at times really make me question the point in living in the first place.
On top of this, they often come with associated dysphoria and dysmorphia, making me feel like this monstrous, chubby t…. worthy of nothing but everything that I am going through.
And when this is the case, I would love to cut everyone out of my life; tell them I am not a thing anymore; do not suffer from my disappearance, I am simply not enough at ease with myself and life to exist peacefully; so why exist at all?
This way I turn to hours, sometimes days of absence from everyone I got around and the worst part is that whenever I want to take time and space for myself is also when I feel the most guilty about it. How is it my fault that my brain came that flawed and damaged? Do you think I wanna live a life of despair and misery? Trust me that is not the case.
I tried actually disappearing before, but it never worked out. The voice inside of me telling me that I was a complete disappointment started scolding, yelling and kicking in so hard I had to cave in.
Now, I only want to be able to move, travel from here to somewhere else; without telling a soul how I actually feel or where I ended up staying: simply get my streaming and work stuff and relocate in disguise. Build a new life, without anyone I know, alone, spending my time doing what I want to do, having no constraints nor regrets.
Make that mistake once, not again, I repeat to myself.
I wish you all hated me, it would be so much easier. And although this is going awry and probably is making less and less sense, it remains crystal clear to me. If ever were I dust before, then, let me get back to it now.
My mind is a mess and you do not want to get into it, so do not even try. Meanwhile, all I ask for is abandonment, redemption, and forgiveness.
To a lightless begin, to a bright eternity. That’s all I want engraved.
