How the truth almost killed me

I grew older, I noticed that there was something about me so different from everyone else around me, as if my life were this sort of role-playing game in which in order to win I was to strip myself of all masks and reveal my true self. However, I never really put too much thought into it during my childhood; whilst, it struck me during adolescence, since I could not figure out who I wanted to be with, how to behave, look and basically how to interact with anybody in my life.

Obviously, this led to particularly difficult and strenuous moments: nobody knew what was going on, my parents were distraught, I was slowly vanishing under the weight of an uncontrolled eating disorder, my friends stood by my side, but I also lost some of them to the mood swings brought by starvation and distress. It was a lot to balance out and in hindsight, I often ask myself whether there could have been something I could have done to soothe the situation. The answer is always “yes, definitely”; we always have ways to improve our situation and more often than rarely resources galore, we just feel so overwhelmed that we become blind and unable to reckon it.

To be honest, most changes took place in such a short time frame that it appears clear how they could have gotten out of hand. In less than a year I managed to lose around 45 pounds and my normally plump line became suddenly more cane looking and boney — but I did not see that, it was yet not enough. So, I pushed it further and further, until my weight dropped to 100 pounds (I was almost 18). At that point, I could barely walk and go through my day without my chest hurting, my heart pounding or racing and fainting simply became part of my daily routine. It was not until last year (Feb, 2019) that I managed to stop and finally get back on tracks.

Consequently, I chiefly did not want to fall back into that vicious circle of misery, so I was to figure out WHY I felt the way I did and what would have been the best solution. It did not really take too long before I came to terms with the fact that I wanted to transition.

I was transgender…I am trans and since then, I have subdued my entire life to this.

The thing is that I had previously moved from Italy to England for my bachelor’s degree and I thus thought this move would have actually helped me receive the help and assistance I needed. I was wrong. That is, the country is very open-minded (nothing compared to where I came from), so I was expecting to find a comparable amount of medical support. Nonetheless, the system here for — what concerns transgender individuals — is pretty hard to navigate using the public health system (NHS) — reason why most of us here start with a private clinic while waiting for their turn with the NHS to come (which can take over two years). Saying that this got me stressed out and boosted my anxiety to a whole new level would probably be sugarcoating the truth. I was crying most days, nothing seemed bright anymore and all I could rely on was my mother on the other end of the phone desperately trying to push me to go on and not give up.

Eventually, she managed to get in touch with someone who helped me find a doctor and obtain the hormones necessary to start the physical transition (personally, I could not start changing clothes, attitude and looks without having started that first; I did not have the strength and the courage to do it) for which I will publish a separate thread. This way, on the very day of my 20th birthday, my mother called and let me know that she got the medicine. A few days later, on September 3, I started. I was thrilled, but also startled and a bit neurotic as that was the first time for me on that medication and there was the possibility of suffering from bad side effects. Fortunately, everything went fine and now, over eight months later, I am building myself, reconstructing my closet, redefining my whole character and I could not be any prouder.

The drawing I made and posted to come out to everyone (ft. my hormones)

Pan & Transgender 20yo UG in Modern Languages, Also a Camgirl, an OF model and a Cosplay Addict | Photography & Video Editing Are My Favs 🧝‍♀️📹

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